i asked you to hang out and be my friend.
i didn’t ask anymore of you then that
and you’re the one who pushed it
more then once
i understand that most people have a hard time comprehending sleeping next to the opposite sex and it not meaning anything
or even just cuddling with them and holding the other while we sleep
and it not meaning anything
it just meaning that i needed to feel a connection with another person
but just because i am there does not mean i’m there to do anything with/to/for you.
this also does mean that you have permission to do anything with/to/for me
if i ask you to come out and i ask you to stay around and i ask you if i can come hang out with you and i ask you to come back out with me and i go out of my way just the slightest bit to get ahold of you this does not mean that i want to do anything with/to/for you
this means that you are my friend and i like to hang out with you and i enjoy your company and you amuse me
if after the days events i fall asleep next to you it does not mean anything
if i turn to cuddle with you
it does not mean anything
if i start something
it means something
if you start it and i don’t turn away
it means something
if i let you do it again
it means something
if i leave after wards/roll away/leave first thing in the morning/try to get out as quickly as possible
it ment nothing.
if i bring myself in closer/give you a kiss/lay awake in bed forever/hang out until i have absolutely out worn my welcome
it meant something
and i want it to mean more
i will not go out of my way to tell you this. i will not say a single fucking word
call me crazy but in my path of existance i choose to believe that if you make a move and the other was respondent then thats probably a good thing and you should work off of that
if you make a move, i respond, you act fine with the lights out but as soon as they come on you act like absolutly everything is now on me and get to the point where you are starting to act differently around me because you don’t know how to handle all of this you might want to open your mouth and say something instead of acting all butt hurt everytime i open my mouth or talk to someone else, or get out of bed or don’t kiss you goodbye and it’s not because i don’t want too, but it’s because you are now acting like i’m invading your space because .. because .. because why? because i didn’t fuck you? sorry if i don’t feel like being another one of your stories
sorry i went off on a tangent
don’t be mad at me for getting out of bed.
don’t be mad at me because i have to leave
don’t be mad at me because i have things i have to do in my day
and don’t be mad at me when i can’t read you thoughts so i don’t know what you’re thinking and i don’t know how far i can go with you on the things i say and do now so i make it a point not to change and you .. you just aren’t the same
another tangent

if this is how it’s going to be i would of appreciated a written statement
i would also appreciate it if you would just pretend like non of this happened and go back to being my friend instead of getting upset at everything i say and do.
thank you

love,

Tanyell Palumbo

\jesus fucking christ! you leave in just a couple more days. i can wait.

maybe

and this one was bad. not a bad dream mind you. a really good one actually .. but one that makes me think.

i don’t know how to tell you that i’m sorry. at one point in my life i made it a point to make up for all the people i have hurt. i made a point to give them all closure .. and i vowed not to do it  again. i didn’t mean to hurt you. i didn’t really think i could. i thought that you were stronger then me and you were going to rip me apart. and you did .. in a sense. i tried to protect myself against you by stating that it was what it was and i wouldn’t be staying. if you would of only believed me that first time then i probably wouldn’t be having these dreams. in me protecting myself and seemingly protecting you i made us hate each other .. no it’s not a hate. it’s a hurt .. i think. i tried to fix it. but .. i can’t and i don’t know how to get closure. and apparently i need a lot of closure .. according to my dreams. (not just from you .. lots of things)
i have problems putting faith in people. i know shocking right.
i’m getting married in 3 weeks! 3 weeks.
what made me decide that i would finally let myself rely on someone else? fully? i am putting everything in him! and i don’t know why. literally everything. i quit my job to go to school expecting him to support us. this is scary. i am scared and i want someone to tell me it’s gonna be ok.
you are not the person i would of expected to have a dream like this about. mind you nothing happened it was the feeling. a feeling that i missed. and it dealt with me getting married and him stealing my pills and .. it was odd. and people kept giving me that “so .. yeah. somethings going on there. you’re gonna hit that?” look. and i kept saying “no i’m getting married!” and everyone responded with “so. he’s not here …” (i am in no way saying that i will or even that i have thought about it. i am not that type of gal.)
i really should not think about this so much.
and you did not have your black car … i looked for it and was shocked when we got into a car that was missing a door.

once upon a time .. i was able to write things and they made sense. ..

get over it. you really didn’t mean anything. you were there. i was lonely. and we happened to have a baby. if you did/do mean anything .. trust me. it’s nothing good.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

i have let you be. i have let you be a million times. you are the one who always “wants to talk” and then wants me to start the conversation when i have nothing more to say to you. i have put everything out on the table. i have been blunt; frank; brash; forward; upfront .. among things. i have tried to see things from your point of view and get lost if the fuzz. you have no pure logic. just myth. just what works for you at that exact moment. or what you think makes you sound better. i told you that you couldn’t see him by yourself and instead of stepping up and wanting to see your son no matter what .. you backed down and spewed out insults at me. and when i told you that the day you chose wasn’t a good day instead of doing what any normal, logical, rational person would do .. like asking which day would be a better day, you yelled and spat and threatened to take me to court then you didn’t bother to call about this son of yours that you love so much for a week. actualy then you didn’t call either. i called you. it IS NOT AND HAS NEVER BEEN AND WILL NOT BE MY RESPONSIBILITY TO CALL AND ASK YOU IF YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR SON! that is your responsibility. should i take to calling you and saying “hey! remember this kid of yours? ya so do you want to be part of his life or not?” no i think not. you should be the one who grows up a little and becomes a man and says “yes i want to see my son” but not even that. words mean nothing. why don’t you grow up a little and be a man and take the inituative to call and say “can i see my son on this day?” “can we make plans to do this?” “can i come out there and see my son?” but no. you do not. and did not. and for this you are right.

i am the bad person.

p.s. i really appreciate this. (this is from his sister)

—————– Original Message —————–
From: <a href=’http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=35076864&MyToken=324488e1-cc51-48b9-b79d-5e664ea9ded2′>rinmac</a>
Date: Jun 24, 2008 1:04 AM

Let me ask you something. Is it really in your best interest (and Elijah’s) to excuse Brandon from your life? Do you want Elijah to grow up w/o a father? You may be great, but you aren’t everything to that little boy. Why are you jumping to the conclusion that Brandon is beating up a toddler? Do you really think he’s capable of that? Child abuse, rape? Are these words you just throw around in casual conversation? You are destroying his life, you know that right? Is it that important you have so much power in your life? Why do you hate him so much?

Bygones…Your life isn’t about what you want anymore. You’re a mom. Everything you do will come back to haunt you.<br style=”display:none”/>

my reply …
please ask for both sides of the story before you jump to conclussions. i know that brandon is your brother so there for you believe him above all else but please refrain from nagging at me when you don’t know the whole story.
no one said anything about rape and i am not destroying his life. he did that himself. i DID not take elijah away from him. i was told that he couldn’t have contact with him until the case is over. i told brandon flat out that he could not take him alone and brandon is the one who never called and asked if he could come out here or if i could go in there so that is not my fault. and when the case was closed he called and asked when he could see him i said i didn’t know and told him to pick a date and time he asked if he could watch him the next day and i told him that that was no good so instead of being logical and mature about the situation and asking when would be a good day he flipped and once again for the billionth time threatened to take me to court. it is really not in his best intrest to do that. you know it and i know it. .. after that i didn’t hear from him for a week until i called him!
believe what you will. i don’t care. but please be a little more mature then to randomly send me emails going off on a subject before you are willing to hear both sides of the story. if you have any questions i will answer them.
and on the whole my life not being about me. i’m not doing this for me. i like having that slight break every now and again. who wouldn’t? but when it comes to my children being hurt and no one being able to tell me why or how, then yes. i get defensive. are you telling me that you wouldn’t? are you telling me that if one of your children came home with a mark like that on the back of their necks that you wouldn’t want to know what happened? are you telling me that if that happened and you called and wanted an explanation and you were told that it was a t shirt and then got yelled at because you were the one that dressed him that you wouldn’t be upset and want to know what happened to your baby? if you can honestly tell me that you wouldn’t care .. then maybe you should learn what it is to be a mother.
……

(you do not have to be a member of wordpress to comment.)

just so you all know what it being talked about here.

Please, please God, let that go through,
because that would be really, really awsome.
Because I feel like I’m gonna crack,
like it’s all coming down right here,
and all that I’m about to lose…..man, fuck that shit,
all I care about is my son.

I ain’t gonna bitch to you about how bad I had it,
because I didn’t,
but at least I had that.
And all the fucked up shit that went on in my childhood,
all the things that could have been that weren’t,
in the end it was enough,
and at least I had that,

But my son, he has less than that,
Because I see the way her oldest son looks at her in fear,
how he gets excited when he sees me because we have fun,
and I see how much my son loves me, and cries when he doesn’t understand,
why I’m leaving him at a daycare with strangers,
Because I know how crazy she is,
how’s she’s looking for anyway to control the world,
that she’s so scared an lonely in,
but fuck that cause I really can’t justify it more than,
She wants to take her sons father away from him,
and raise him in a double wide in boondock nowhere,
with shirts that say “awesome”

And that’s just one side of the triangle, because corporate America’s
taking my sons happy play time childhood away too,
with the slogan “Not my fault you had a kid,”
when you can’t work a weekend because your son’s got
nowhere to go but with you,
And don’t get me started on Nancy Reagen, and spineless magistrates,
and crooked cops,
Their all their too, fucking up my chance,
sending it all crashing down
to where my little house with the roses in front, where my little boy dances in the rain and hugs me close, and we make pancakes every morning, and I go to work and drive my car with good gas mileage,
all goes away and I’m left crying and running home to mommy and daddy who tell me she’s a bitch anyway, and maybe if you say you’re sorry it will all go away,
Away…like yesterday’s care -free gum

and when all I want God, is to give him more than I had,
but I’m not greedy God,
and I’d settle,
settle…
please?
For a stable happy life for my son, with two parents who love him, and coperate, and barely pay for groceries, even if it’s rice a ronie.

So I’m not gonna say you owe me, because we both know that ain’t true,
but at least give him what he needs,
sane parents who will always be there for him”

where to begin. i want to rant a rave like a lunatic but really where will that get us. I’m tired of fighting with you and feeling the need to defend myself. .. against you, everyone else, life. I’m just really tired of fighting and the sad part is is that I’m fighting for what i believe to be right. i think that you should take care of my babies .. at all cost. no matter what. and i feel that if you can’t then you won’t. i refuse to put my children in any situation that i deem unfit. i refuse tho put them in harms way in any way shape or form, hence me still living my mom in the “boondocks” because at least here i know that my kids have a roof over their heads and a warm bed to sleep in and food and people who love them. so sorry if you disagree with this. so sorry that i’m trying to provide for my children the best that i can by not forcing them to live in some rat infested little dive because yes sir that is what i could afford. sorry that i do what i can with what i can. i know thats wrong of me. love for your child is having your heart break when ever anything happens to them and spending all your energy trying to figure out what it was. not ignoring a situation. i would also like to apologize for feeling the need to make my children t shirts to get there pictures taken in. i know that this further instates my “white-trashness”. as for fear. my child fears me when he does something that he knows is wrong. my child fears me when he knows hes in trouble as any kid fears their parents. i do not spank my children i do not beat my children. i do not have a need to do this nor have i ever. i look at him and he understands and says that hes sorry. this is wrong? i think it’s an understanding. my child likes your house cause you have star wars toys. could that be why everytime he sees you he asks “hey, have you found your star wars toys yet?” and you glare. and then i glare for you looking at him that way. if my eldest child loved you as much as you believe that everyone does then why would he look at me and laugh and say “MY DAD IS SUCH A BETTER DAD THEN HE IS!!” it’s been said. more then once. so .. you want to sit there and rant a rave like you always do when things don’t go your way, when you get in trouble. then feel free. you want to slander me and call me a bitch for protecting my children. feel free. but be a little more mature about it. you think that you’re going to hurt my feelings? that just because you called me a bitch that i’m going to turn around and say “you know what .. you’re right. the gash on my child’s neck is not suspisious .. that could of definatly been caused by a t shirt. you know what IT IS my fault cause after all i was the one that put him in that shirt. and another thing. i also believe you when you tell me that you don’t fall asleep when hes over there .. even tho you never answer your phone when i call in the middle of the day. i’m sorry”

i haven’t remembered my dreams in a long time. and the most unlikely of people were in it. and he was polite! and i had the most unlikely of jobs. i was a telemarketer .. bah. so was he. and i kept telling him that i didn’t understand how he of all people could be nice to people long enough to make a sale. he was the best. i tried over and over to provoke him but nothing worked. he smoked cigarettes in my grandmas house and let button sit on his lap in my big green chair with him for hours. he chuckled when i asked why it was never getting light .. cause it was 9am and the sun was just now coming up. and smiled when i sat on top of his black car to smoke a cigarette. .
all in all ..it was odd.

also. i woke up to a message from drewdle. that makes me smile.

cause if you do then your navy boyfriend will then accuse you of cheating on him … really. and then throw a fit about  it thro text.

life is grand.

but this is the hand that i got dealt. i either choose to play my hand wisely .. or not at all and i’m getting real sick of not playing the game. i’m not going to sit around and wait on love. i’m not going to sit around and wait for me to make enough money to where i can afford to go back to school and still be home for my children. I am getting old. i don’t have time to sit around anymore.

i don’t have the patience to explain this as i need too. maybe someday.

but as soon as you do someone gets offended and you feel like the bad person.