looking back .. i would of expected things to be different.

i am tanyell
and i would of expecting things to be different
in the past couple years i have made it a point to forget how to feel. I have made it a point to start thinking with my head instead of my heart in hopes of treating life like a business decision, and surprisingly enough this has failed me. not because of the decisions i have made but because there are still consequences to everything. .. was the life i wanted worth getting yelled at all the time? was having my own house worth not seeing anyone again? is getting someone to take care of me and support me financially and emotionally worth the “love” and “respect” that i would have to give them in return? is it wrong to make someone believe that you “love” them just to get what you want? the answer to that is yes. .. even if i do make it a point to tell this person that i do not and will not love them they somehow manage to convince themselves that i do. they convince themselves that i love them more than any other and i can not live without them. i fight, and then it becomes a power struggle.
I’m getting sick of this little game.  the girl that doesn’t date (i’m just not the dating type) has cycled through more people in the past 2 years then in the 6 years before that. explain that to me.
i don’t mean too .. i’m just on a the hunt i guess. one of my biggest fears is that i’ve found this person and either i couldn’t get past my own ego long enough to give them a chance, or i couldn’t give up my “badassness” long enough to not run my mouth, to not say some smart-ass thing, to not just get up and leave in the morning and pretend like nothing happened, to actually attempt to get a goodbye kiss, to say “you should give me a chance.” no .. instead i run my mouth and pretend to be invincible. every super hero you run into with invincibility it’s always the physical .. never the emotional .. i need someone to figure out the emotional part for me.  “here i come to save the day!!” .. but what about tomorrow? i’m going to need saving again tomorrow ..
and probably the next day
i just want someone to talk to and hold me when i sleep who isn’t afraid to hold my hand and doesn’t get offended when i run my mouth exactly the same as i did before with them and everyone else. is this to hard to ask? apparently. you must also have horrible taste in music, love my kids more then you love me, and find the most mundane things absolutely hilarious.
if you are reading this .. then you know how to get ahold of me.