the dreams that taunt me ..

i don’t normaly dream and when i do they stick with me. hard.

and this one was bad. not a bad dream mind you. a really good one actually .. but one that makes me think.

i don’t know how to tell you that i’m sorry. at one point in my life i made it a point to make up for all the people i have hurt. i made a point to give them all closure .. and i vowed not to do it  again. i didn’t mean to hurt you. i didn’t really think i could. i thought that you were stronger then me and you were going to rip me apart. and you did .. in a sense. i tried to protect myself against you by stating that it was what it was and i wouldn’t be staying. if you would of only believed me that first time then i probably wouldn’t be having these dreams. in me protecting myself and seemingly protecting you i made us hate each other .. no it’s not a hate. it’s a hurt .. i think. i tried to fix it. but .. i can’t and i don’t know how to get closure. and apparently i need a lot of closure .. according to my dreams. (not just from you .. lots of things)
i have problems putting faith in people. i know shocking right.
i’m getting married in 3 weeks! 3 weeks.
what made me decide that i would finally let myself rely on someone else? fully? i am putting everything in him! and i don’t know why. literally everything. i quit my job to go to school expecting him to support us. this is scary. i am scared and i want someone to tell me it’s gonna be ok.
you are not the person i would of expected to have a dream like this about. mind you nothing happened it was the feeling. a feeling that i missed. and it dealt with me getting married and him stealing my pills and .. it was odd. and people kept giving me that “so .. yeah. somethings going on there. you’re gonna hit that?” look. and i kept saying “no i’m getting married!” and everyone responded with “so. he’s not here …” (i am in no way saying that i will or even that i have thought about it. i am not that type of gal.)
i really should not think about this so much.
and you did not have your black car … i looked for it and was shocked when we got into a car that was missing a door.

once upon a time .. i was able to write things and they made sense. ..